All families face challenges, but some deal with much more significant problems. Issues like addiction, neglect, and mental health struggles can seriously damage relationships between family members. But is this damage irreparable? Reconciliation requires effort from all parties, and if your family member reaches out seeking to make amends, here are some things to consider as you attempt to reconnect.
Try Empathy
Contrary to what many believe, empathy isn’t about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. It’s about listening and trying to see the world as the other person does. Even as adults, children of people with addiction remember the disappointment they experienced standing in front of the school waiting for a parent who never came, or looking out in the audience for a parent who never showed up for school plays or championship basketball games.
But addiction is a serious disease. Try listening to your parent’s experiences and consider helping them seek out substance abuse treatment resources. Empathy won’t erase the pain of being disappointed, but it might help you see those experiences through your mom or dad’s eyes. Understanding that the problem wasn’t about you may begin to lay a foundation for forgiveness and growth.
The same effects hold true for other issues. Mental illnesses can cause people to act in ways that are outside of their control. Even issues like neglect are often more complicated than they appear. These problems often create a dysfunctional dynamic that can play out as children grow into adults, sometimes leading to estrangement over time. But if your parent is reaching out now, try listening. Seeing the experiences as they saw them may help you understand your past and create a new future with your family.
Understand Issues Common with Aging
Not all familial problems begin during the childhood years. It’s possible that your parent’s addiction or mental illness is related to aging. Substance abuse isn’t unusual among senior citizens. In fact, a variety of factors contribute to its prevalence in this age group, including grief and loneliness, as well as prescription abuse. Seniors may struggle with limited mobility along with chronic pain. In order to deal with the physical or emotional distress, they sometimes turn to drugs and alcohol. They may take more of their prescription medicine than recommended, take prescription pills belonging to someone else, or drink excessively.
Mental health issues can also begin or become more severe with age. Mental decline associated with dementia and Alzheimer’s can cause new strain on family relationships or cause old wounds to surface. According to the Alzheimer Society of Canada, engaging with a family member with dementia can lead to grief, stress, and anger, which can make communication challenging. Dementia affects not only the person diagnosed but also creates emotional and psychological impacts on family members, often causing changes in relationship dynamics as roles shift from parent-child to care recipient-caregiver.
Talk Openly
If they are reaching out, have honest conversations with your estranged parent about the past and how you felt when you were disappointed. Be truthful about your feelings, but also be willing to listen. Open communication can help resolve differences so you can move forward in your relationship. You may even want to consider seeking therapy either separately or with your parent. Many therapists now offer telehealth appointments, which is helpful if you and your parent don’t live nearby. A neutral third party can often help people pause to listen and express their feelings constructively.
Reasons to Forgive
Research consistently shows that forgiving your parent can alleviate the anger and sadness that you have carried for many years. According to Healthline, forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, while also improving sleep quality and overall physical health. The act of forgiveness helps you move on and leave behind the negative emotions that can damage you both physically and emotionally. Ultimately, it paves the way for rebuilding a relationship with your parent.
Recent research conducted across multiple countries demonstrates that when forgiveness is taught, practiced, and achieved, the result is better mental and overall well-being. The health benefits of forgiveness include lower risk of heart problems, improved immune function, and reduced chronic stress. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or excusing harmful behavior – it means choosing to release the anger and resentment that can hold you back.
Moving Forward
If you have a parent who has hurt you, it’s understandable to be wary of letting them back into your life. Painful memories and hurt feelings are still very much a part of you. But there are ways to overcome this pain and reconnect. By learning how to forgive and communicating with your parent, you can start a new chapter in your life – one where you are no longer overwhelmed by the memories of your parent’s struggles, but relieved to forge and rebuild a connection.
Remember that forgiveness is a process, not a single event. It takes time, patience, and often professional support. The goal isn’t to return to the exact relationship you had before, but to create something new that acknowledges both the past hurt and the possibility of healing. With commitment from both parties and perhaps professional guidance, even deeply damaged family relationships can find a path toward reconciliation and peace.
United Caring Association is here to help you and your loved ones live more healthily. Questions? Feel free to email info@unifiedcaring.org.
This article is for informational purposes only and should not replace professional mental health advice. If you’re struggling with family relationship issues, consider consulting with a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized guidance for your specific situation.
